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hellomottoxx
09 November 2009 @ 09:53 pm
i guess good things can come from unwanted conversations.
i'm really glad i didnt send in my essay to davidson yet.  tcu i guess its ok, not perfect nor amazing, but ok. 
but davidson it has to be as close to perfection as possible, by my standards, since this will be my toughest school to get into.
bleh...i think thats what i'll do this weekend, that and shop for patricks birthday gift and figure out how i'm going to make his cake next week since i wont have a kitchen...i can decorate it upstairs no problem friday night, but i'll need a kitchen first lol
bleh...novemeber=stressfull, but i'm enjoying this month so much more then october so far :] minus the minor...yeah..i'll just stop while i'm ahead


did i speak too soon?  noo
 
 
hellomottoxx
01 November 2009 @ 05:22 pm
YESYESYESYESYESYESYESMOTHERFUCKERYES!!!!!!!
i've never been so excited to endure this time of the month :]


...gee...i wonder why...
so many "opinions" or w.e right now i cant seem to get them all out in clear sentences without, i'm sure, "offending" someone.
it all makes sense now.  it very sadly all makes sense...there the same thing.  the same people will be there over all...so why would one be looked at as a horrid thing to endure and the other one looked at as an exciting occurance?  it has nothing to do with the occurance itself, but what you'll be surrounded with.  it all makes sense. 
i feel guilty..but at the same time..no..i just feel guilty.  and alittle hurt...but thats my own doing.
i busted my ass to make sure it would all work out, and at the end of the day, it apparently wasnt really worth it...my excitement level has greatly decreased..but again, its my own doing.
i'm convinced this was karma.  my own actions have brought this upon me.
but hey, what can i do.
nothing.



really?!?!?! REALLY.  this is. RIDICULOUS.  i feel like no matter how much i tell you, how much i e-mail, or how much i give to you you still have NO IDEA, NONE, whats going on.  its like you hit "refresh" every monday morning and friday night...
i'm soo going to end up at texas state if you keep this up...ha...


soo...apparently novembers going to suck just as much as october...fantabulous.



NO nononononono no no NO.
i cannot. i cannot do it. anymore.
no. i cannot make that promise.
 
 
hellomottoxx
23 October 2009 @ 06:18 pm
we're gonna try alittle experiment.  no reason.  just to see on a normal basis what would happen.
unless i get too bored..then i'll break it.  but then again..wouldnt i get the results that way too?


soo..that failed.
i got shoes though! :]  still have to make sure they match my dress...and they arent the 4.25 inch ones i fell inlove with online...but i still like them. :]


writing mini letters in livejournal really know how to open the flood gates.

so i right before i went to bed tonight, i remembered i was going to look up what dreaming about snakes meant, since i drempt about them last night (Friday).
"slither away before self destruction"
fml fml fml FML


my dream last night felt very...real.
and if anything, i believe its telling me we need to talk..


i would like to think that i'm trying here...but maybe not? blehh and stupid college recomendation letters!  tech. i did send it to you with over 2 weeks before the deadline...i just wasnt aware it was going to take you a week to even notice it.  6 days!!!! :[


...mhmm....
*crosses fingers for it to come this weekend*
*sigh* and you wonder why i dont say anything...
p.s. one recomendation down, one to go! & SAT scores come in tomorrow!!
fmlfmlfml this cannot be happening...
i better just be sick...or about to have my time of the month...because this just cannot be happening...
you did this to me.  i said no.  i didnt even do anything for this to be a 100% possibility!  you half listened to me...i dont want to come within 10 feet of you.  if i dont get it this weekend....fmlfmlfml

we're not going anymore..which i guess doesnt make much of a difference...but it just goes to show...well just goes to prove my rather vauge point.

i'm having a minor mental break down.  my dean hasnt done ANYTHING about my recomendation letter.  i have to send it my app tomorrow.  ITS THE ONLY THING THAT ISNT DONE FOR MY TCU APP....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU STUPID...no no...nice words alex..nice words.  but if i.  dont make.  my deadline.  because you couldnt get your shit together.  so help me...well actually, so help you, because you'll have my mother on your ass.  even though i will tell her no, because i know it will only make your "view" of me or w.e worse, she wont listen, and she will be ON YOUR ASS.  i've worked my ass off all week, all month, to make sure that i would be able to pull my shit together by the weekend.  and i have.  i over night shipping my art supp., i finish comm. app. COMPLETLY, i got my teacher recomendation done, i re-took my SAT for the 3rd time, got my scores, and am sending them.  i got my transcript send, and i even payed for my app already.  i'm completely glued to my e-mail and comm. app. WAITING for your recomendation, and have i gotten it?  why, OFCOURSE NOT!  i only sent it to you 2 weeks ago...over 2 weeks ago, actually, and i only e-mailed you a week ago...and came in and talked to you in person this week...and i even re-sent my comm. app. recomendation...and what have i gotten from you?  hm? NOTHING.  are you KIDDING me?!?!?!?!????  afgasghfsagafsafshgafshgsahgfahsgfha i'm about to break down and cry.  like seriously, break down and CRY.  what the FUCK do i do?  like what the FUCK do i do?? *calm down*
and then not to mention my newly found complete intimidation about my upcoming major.  i have a b in that glass, i'm convinced 3/4 of the time my teacher doesnt like me..even though i'm quiet when i'm suppose to be, take notes religiously, do all my outlines or w.e, do all my homework, never turn anything in late, when i failed one test i came in for tutorials and retook it, i study and actually READ the book.  and i still only have a b.  and you call on my like you think i'm not paying attention.  you intimate me...yet you dont.  i feel like a failure, that this is what i want to do with my life and i cant even get it together enough to totally understand and remember everything.  i have yet to get an a on a test, minues the essay part.  straight b's and one f.  like, really?  really?  i still know in my heart this is what i want to do, i grasp the concept of psych, and believe it or not, it does interest me.  yet i feel like everyone around me thinks thats a total joke.  you with your 99...makes me intimidated, and i'm only saying that because i doubt you'll read this.  one day i'll crack and tell you how this class is truely fucking with my mind.  everytime i do poorly on something, i feel like i've failed as a person.  i sti here..and i talk about how pauline doing poorly in bio is a sign shes not majoring in the right thing..and yet...i'm sitting here with my not so amazing ap psych grades and its what i want to major in?  i feel like i have more of a point to prove now then just to do what i want.  i'm so irriated i left my binder at school not because i have the dying urge to do the progress test but because i feel like i've lost valued studying time, valued time to get ahead and try to ace this test, to prove that yes, this is really what i want to do.  i'm so confused and i dont know what to do.  but i dont have TIME to worry about that, because i have to get INTO college before i can worry about my major.
i say now that i'll end up being a 2nd grade teacher, which i wouldnt mind, because i feel like one day i'll just give up.  i hate that everything i try so hard to be good at or to get, i always end up just being average.  like tennis, or art.  yeah...i didnt totally suck (well..at the begining) but i enjoyed it and kept at it, and got better over time.  but someone was always better than me.  i finally gave up on tennis, even though i secretly miss it and wish i could have been as good as some of the other people on the team, but oh well.  i tried right?  and art...it frustrates me.  because i know my strengths in that class, but sam...oh god she makes that class so unenjoyable.  and alex..i like alex lol but sometimes it makes me frustrated that i was the one who made her take the class last year and here she is whipping out these boxes that just...scream here.  and i'm sitting over there, bonding with olivia and trying so hard to prove that i deserve to be in this class.  but i still feel like i'm not good enough.  i would hate to see that happen with psych.



i cant believe that was our last halloween :/
i was sitting downstairs in my pjs and half my halloween costume and i realized that...i'll never go trick or treating again (well..not until i have my own kiddos...but thats like...a good 15 years from now and well..not the same ahah) or spend halloween flashing people i've known since middle school lol :] .  its so weird...it doesnt seem real to me.
 
 
hellomottoxx
why couldnt i kick ass like this the past 3 years?
i'm almost done with comm. app.!  just gotta sumit my essay and finish the writing question and sig. page and i'm done :]
then i move onto the extra crap lol...
I WANT MY SAT SCORES SOOO BADDDLYYY


i love it when i'm doing something that i get all excited about :]
soo happy i kept this class


4.25in = disaster waiting to happen...but they are so..idk..appealing!






 
 
hellomottoxx
19 October 2009 @ 06:11 pm

Through life’s trials and tribulations, many people and events have vastly affected my life and my composure.  Marie Antoinette has had an interesting influence on me since my peak interest in her ever controversial life story.  Although she is from a completely different time, and a completely different person than I, much of her strong-natured composure through her many life experiences and journeys has vastly taught and touched me.

            Through the past year or so, I have gained a fascination with the last Queen of France, so much so I could even say its borderline obsessive.  This fascination has led me to gain a wide knowledge and understanding of one of the most misunderstood Queens in the world’s history.  Reading about her life and how she came to France at such a young age, presumed to live a fairy tale life, only to be sorely disappointed, has captivated my eager-to-learn mind.   She was a young, naïve girl, who had life’s finest things thrown at her all at once, and taken away from her just as quickly.  Through reading how she got from one end of the spectrum to the other, I have accumulated a great understanding of her troublesome and heartbreaking experiences and journeys.  Yet, to my greatest surprise, she was not like the public had presented her.  Behind that naïve face, she was a strong-willed woman, just as her Austrian Empress mother was.  Learning of her journeys from Dauphine to Queen of France to total ruin and death and her experiences in the courts of Versailles and the Temple, in which she was imprisoned in before her death, have influenced how I think of myself and go through my day to day life.  Though much of France, and the rest of the world, came to despise her, I have come to admire her.  She had almost everything taken from her, her pride, her family, and in the end, her life, yet she never let any of that bring neither her hope nor her head down.   She was courageous and fought against her discrimination until her bitter end, which most people don’t seem to understand.  This is the very thing that has inspired me to keep going for what I want, no matter what people are to tell me.

            Marie Antoinette and I may not be anything alike, but through reading her history I have realized that both she and I do share a common quality: we are both the youngest in our families.  Being the youngest has its pluses and minuses; in her case, becoming Queen in an elegant, fairy tale setting before she’s twenty, then being beheaded before she was forty; in my case coming out the sanest yet still being compared to the mistakes made by my eldest siblings.  Though these are vastly different situations, the cores have the same tone.  Taking this vague similarity, I looked more closely at her strong-natured composure, and how she handled her trials and tribulations of becoming the most hated Queen of France and losing almost everything she had, and took something from them.  She was ridiculed by her people, her friends, and even her family towards the end, yet through it all she kept her chin-up, and hopes high, letting nothing and no one bring down her dignity.  Taking all of this in, I began to realize that, at the end of the day, I am my own worst enemy while also being my best hero.  No one can bring me down but myself, and no one can believe in me or stand up for me better than myself.  She has shown me that even in the toughest of situations, even when I seem to have let everyone else down, never to let myself down. 

            Though she has not turned my life from upside down to right side up, Marie Antoinette has impacted how I view myself, accomplish my goals, and get through life’s day to day situations.  She has shown me the importance of holding my head high and staying hopeful, even through times of trial and error.  Fight for what I want, and strive for the highest goal, up until I take my last breathes.  No one could have made that more clear to me than Marie Antoinette.

 
 
 
 

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