i'm so bitter and...just...sdfjhajfhsa bitter.
i thought i was fine and dandy..well no thats a lie..but i thought this was something i could sleep off, since i vented to my CAT and all.
its said...i have to vent to my cat.
suree i didnt try to vent to anyone else but ha WHATS THE POINT. no ones ever there to vent to, they either oh idk..dont answer there phones or texts, are to busy or cant listen
cant blame them. my friends have lives of there owns, and problems of there owns, or ha no problems at all, because they're all happy and fine and dandy and fucking and liking eachother
oh but no, not me. i missed that fun little memo.
there are SO many things i want to babble about right now, or shall i say, re babble about, since about 2 hours ago i told my cat all of it, or most of it.
its nothing important, nothing new ofcourse, why would anything be NEW around here. just me...dealing with my repressed insecure issues. WHATEVER.
i'm a selfish insecure bitch, thats what i am. anyone who is reading this (which ofcourse is no one...because who the hell would want to read the crap i write..esp when its just about well nothing unless you can read between lines...even then...alot of nothing..because thats what i seem to vent about) can come to that same conclusion.
i'm not mad, no no, not mad at anyone (being serious, not sarcastic) just bitter. just bitter about well...about the fact that i cant let go of grudges from so many months ago, and that i cant accept the fact that i'm needy and clingy and no one seems to know how to handle that, not even me. is that sad? because i'm begining to think thats just TRAGIC.
idk why i have this random bitter urge to just write out every little thought coming into my mind.
i dont understand why i'm so...the way i am...oh no, i get it, because i'm EMOTionaly OVERBARING, right danny? isnt that why we broke up? oh but nooo...i'm not bitter about that. fuck that, fuck him, he could have told me i'm the dullest person on earth who crys at everything and i would have reacted the same.
maybe i'm just bitter because its slightly sad that i seem to have no one to vent to...though who would be up on a tuesday night (or weds. morning, depending how you look at it) at 1:10am. thats obserd. and i didnt make the effort to try to talk to anyone else, but you know what? i just didnt feel like getting rejected tonight. i FEAR rejection, which would explain alot of my indisicivness among other things. sooo...for the sake of my mood, i made a personal choice to vent to my cute little furry kitty, who has no idea what i'm saying but THATS OK, because i dont even think i was making much sense to myself. well no...yes i was. it makes perfect sense. i'm to insecure about relationships and hold grudges over people who actually didnt do anything wrong. they just really upset me. alot. i never really talked about it. i surpressed it. because i deemed it unimportant.
its sad...how all my issues with my friends among other things spring up from things i surpreseed or put onto myself. so no matter how angry i get or how bitter i get, theres really no one to blame but myself. hmmm...how sad.
GOD i feel so much better. thank GOODNESS for livejournal. whatEVER would i vent to without it.


and if anyone happens to read this...please dont be angry at me...i'm just bitter and need to vent more then anything...i know i'm a bitch and a terribly confusing friend. i'll be sure to work on that,. i'm really sorry (no sarcasum)

i guess good things can come from unwanted conversations.
i'm really glad i didnt send in my essay to davidson yet. tcu i guess its ok, not perfect nor amazing, but ok.
but davidson it has to be as close to perfection as possible, by my standards, since this will be my toughest school to get into.
bleh...i think thats what i'll do this weekend, that and shop for patricks birthday gift and figure out how i'm going to make his cake next week since i wont have a kitchen...i can decorate it upstairs no problem friday night, but i'll need a kitchen first lol
bleh...novemeber=stressfull, but i'm enjoying this month so much more then october so far :] minus the minor...yeah..i'll just stop while i'm ahead


did i speak too soon? noo

dont you get it?? i miss our friendship, not "being" with you

really? really. you dont understand? really?
how do you NOT understand...

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESMOTHERFUCKERYES!!!!!!!
i've never been so excited to endure this time of the month :]


...gee...i wonder why...
so many "opinions" or w.e right now i cant seem to get them all out in clear sentences without, i'm sure, "offending" someone.
it all makes sense now.  it very sadly all makes sense...there the same thing.  the same people will be there over all...so why would one be looked at as a horrid thing to endure and the other one looked at as an exciting occurance?  it has nothing to do with the occurance itself, but what you'll be surrounded with.  it all makes sense. 
i feel guilty..but at the same time..no..i just feel guilty.  and alittle hurt...but thats my own doing.
i busted my ass to make sure it would all work out, and at the end of the day, it apparently wasnt really worth it...my excitement level has greatly decreased..but again, its my own doing.
i'm convinced this was karma.  my own actions have brought this upon me.
but hey, what can i do.
nothing.



really?!?!?! REALLY.  this is. RIDICULOUS.  i feel like no matter how much i tell you, how much i e-mail, or how much i give to you you still have NO IDEA, NONE, whats going on.  its like you hit "refresh" every monday morning and friday night...
i'm soo going to end up at texas state if you keep this up...ha...


soo...apparently novembers going to suck just as much as october...fantabulous.



NO nononononono no no NO.
i cannot. i cannot do it. anymore.
no. i cannot make that promise.

we're gonna try alittle experiment.  no reason.  just to see on a normal basis what would happen.
unless i get too bored..then i'll break it.  but then again..wouldnt i get the results that way too?


soo..that failed.
i got shoes though! :]  still have to make sure they match my dress...and they arent the 4.25 inch ones i fell inlove with online...but i still like them. :]


writing mini letters in livejournal really know how to open the flood gates.

so i right before i went to bed tonight, i remembered i was going to look up what dreaming about snakes meant, since i drempt about them last night (Friday).
"slither away before self destruction"
fml fml fml FML


my dream last night felt very...real.
and if anything, i believe its telling me we need to talk..


i would like to think that i'm trying here...but maybe not? blehh and stupid college recomendation letters!  tech. i did send it to you with over 2 weeks before the deadline...i just wasnt aware it was going to take you a week to even notice it.  6 days!!!! :[


...mhmm....
*crosses fingers for it to come this weekend*
*sigh* and you wonder why i dont say anything...
p.s. one recomendation down, one to go! & SAT scores come in tomorrow!!
fmlfmlfml this cannot be happening...
i better just be sick...or about to have my time of the month...because this just cannot be happening...
you did this to me.  i said no.  i didnt even do anything for this to be a 100% possibility!  you half listened to me...i dont want to come within 10 feet of you.  if i dont get it this weekend....fmlfmlfml

we're not going anymore..which i guess doesnt make much of a difference...but it just goes to show...well just goes to prove my rather vauge point.

i'm having a minor mental break down.  my dean hasnt done ANYTHING about my recomendation letter.  i have to send it my app tomorrow.  ITS THE ONLY THING THAT ISNT DONE FOR MY TCU APP....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU STUPID...no no...nice words alex..nice words.  but if i.  dont make.  my deadline.  because you couldnt get your shit together.  so help me...well actually, so help you, because you'll have my mother on your ass.  even though i will tell her no, because i know it will only make your "view" of me or w.e worse, she wont listen, and she will be ON YOUR ASS.  i've worked my ass off all week, all month, to make sure that i would be able to pull my shit together by the weekend.  and i have.  i over night shipping my art supp., i finish comm. app. COMPLETLY, i got my teacher recomendation done, i re-took my SAT for the 3rd time, got my scores, and am sending them.  i got my transcript send, and i even payed for my app already.  i'm completely glued to my e-mail and comm. app. WAITING for your recomendation, and have i gotten it?  why, OFCOURSE NOT!  i only sent it to you 2 weeks ago...over 2 weeks ago, actually, and i only e-mailed you a week ago...and came in and talked to you in person this week...and i even re-sent my comm. app. recomendation...and what have i gotten from you?  hm? NOTHING.  are you KIDDING me?!?!?!?!????  afgasghfsagafsafshgafshgsahgfahsgfha i'm about to break down and cry.  like seriously, break down and CRY.  what the FUCK do i do?  like what the FUCK do i do?? *calm down*
and then not to mention my newly found complete intimidation about my upcoming major.  i have a b in that glass, i'm convinced 3/4 of the time my teacher doesnt like me..even though i'm quiet when i'm suppose to be, take notes religiously, do all my outlines or w.e, do all my homework, never turn anything in late, when i failed one test i came in for tutorials and retook it, i study and actually READ the book.  and i still only have a b.  and you call on my like you think i'm not paying attention.  you intimate me...yet you dont.  i feel like a failure, that this is what i want to do with my life and i cant even get it together enough to totally understand and remember everything.  i have yet to get an a on a test, minues the essay part.  straight b's and one f.  like, really?  really?  i still know in my heart this is what i want to do, i grasp the concept of psych, and believe it or not, it does interest me.  yet i feel like everyone around me thinks thats a total joke.  you with your 99...makes me intimidated, and i'm only saying that because i doubt you'll read this.  one day i'll crack and tell you how this class is truely fucking with my mind.  everytime i do poorly on something, i feel like i've failed as a person.  i sti here..and i talk about how pauline doing poorly in bio is a sign shes not majoring in the right thing..and yet...i'm sitting here with my not so amazing ap psych grades and its what i want to major in?  i feel like i have more of a point to prove now then just to do what i want.  i'm so irriated i left my binder at school not because i have the dying urge to do the progress test but because i feel like i've lost valued studying time, valued time to get ahead and try to ace this test, to prove that yes, this is really what i want to do.  i'm so confused and i dont know what to do.  but i dont have TIME to worry about that, because i have to get INTO college before i can worry about my major.
i say now that i'll end up being a 2nd grade teacher, which i wouldnt mind, because i feel like one day i'll just give up.  i hate that everything i try so hard to be good at or to get, i always end up just being average.  like tennis, or art.  yeah...i didnt totally suck (well..at the begining) but i enjoyed it and kept at it, and got better over time.  but someone was always better than me.  i finally gave up on tennis, even though i secretly miss it and wish i could have been as good as some of the other people on the team, but oh well.  i tried right?  and art...it frustrates me.  because i know my strengths in that class, but sam...oh god she makes that class so unenjoyable.  and alex..i like alex lol but sometimes it makes me frustrated that i was the one who made her take the class last year and here she is whipping out these boxes that just...scream here.  and i'm sitting over there, bonding with olivia and trying so hard to prove that i deserve to be in this class.  but i still feel like i'm not good enough.  i would hate to see that happen with psych.



i cant believe that was our last halloween :/
i was sitting downstairs in my pjs and half my halloween costume and i realized that...i'll never go trick or treating again (well..not until i have my own kiddos...but thats like...a good 15 years from now and well..not the same ahah) or spend halloween flashing people i've known since middle school lol :] .  its so weird...it doesnt seem real to me.