hellomottoxx

another day...

2009-12-29T17:40:34Z

so here we are...tuesday morning ish of break...do i have anything planned today? why...no, ofcourse not. i dont have anything planned all week. not even for new years. can you say...depressing? no wonder all i do is sleep...
...i'm ready to go back to bed.
its raining. i usually love it when it rains. makes me smile. but i cant seem to be motivated to do anything but lay in bed. akjsdjksdajj what the hell is wrong with me..
I'M SO FUCKING BOREDDDDDD.
i could die. like seriously...this boredom could kill me. this is incredibly sad...i really want cookies...but i dont have a car to go and get the dough to make any! i think i'm just going to go back to bed. FUCK this stupid break. you wanna know the worst part? new years eve...i'll prob. be doing this exact thing. i hate to say this but...i'm actually ready to just get back to school and get this semester over with. sleep really does NOT do wonders for me. and wth sumanta? tiffany and i are big girls...if you DONT wanna hang out with us, just TELL us. one of my biggest pet peeves is being ignored...its really UNNECESSARY.
i just realized i havent eatten anything all day. oh well.
i want something else to think about. i just finally pulled myself out of bed from yet ANOTHER nap, and i want something else to think about. i feel like i'm just wasting space. like i'm of no importance to anything. i dont know where all this came from, i just feel so terrible and so past bored. i dont know what i want to do or hardly even what i feel. i have lost every inch of motivation..well except for 1mm of it, since i did manage to pull my sorry ass out of bed again. i fucking hate this break with a passion. merry christmas my ass. blehhh why the fuck am i like this!! no wonder i keep screwing up my friendships...i mean listen to me..
oh so what..its my fault your depressed?? i'm sorry i'm in such a horrible mood that i make you feel that way. i'll fucking try better next time

i suppose i felt better. actually having someone make the effort to keep me company, even if it was pauline, was rather nice. but...i really just cant do this anymore. my whole little...idea, of everything being ok once the new year comes, that conflict wont occur because i refuse to let it after thursday night...it will stay just that...an idea. i cant just forget everything, i have to talk about it, otherwise nothing will change...am i the only one who gets that?? i have a lot of time to think these past few days...and i've come to many conclusions. this was one..i didnt really come to until just now. i cant sit here anymore..and just wait. i've tried, over and over and OVER to talk. to say that we have to talk about it. but i'm obviously alone in thinking that...right? i'm so utterly confused and maybe all my sleep has gone to my head....i've tried. so hard. but obviously not hard enough. i dont know what to do anymore...and that scares me.
i dont know whats wrong with me. but i just cant do this anymore. i dont wanna cry, or feel alone, or sleep, or watch stupid movies, or sit here and wonder what the hell to do with myself. i dont wanna feel like this anymore. i want it to just all go away. i've never been so confused or lsot in my life. i cant even remember anymore, how i got here. i'm so confused...everything is just so jumbled up. and theres no one to talk to anymore. my emotions and jealously and clingyness has scared them all away. i dont know whats going on, or how to feel, or what i even want right now. i sound like a crazy person...i want so much for this to all go away. i feel like i'm just wasting away, doing NOTHING. but idont know what to do . i think i have finally lost my mind. no...no i dont thin ki have. i think i'm just tired, of thinking, and of sleeping. but i sure do sound like i've lost my mind, dont i? ha...who am i even talking to? no one. just my stupid little online journal. this is by far the worst christmas break i have ever experienced.
i dont wanna be here anymore. i dont wanna be here anymore. i dont wanna be here anymore.

ahsdjashdjhsah hi

2009-12-28T07:00:50Z

i am way to chatty at 1am when my sleep schedual is all over the place and i have an oober amount of things to think about and process and blahhh. AND THERES NO ONE TO BE CHATTY TO!! and i just ramble on and on..poor tiffany had to be on aim so then i start rambling and ofcourse she wont answer after awhile lol..what exactly are you suppose to say to a babbling girl at 1am lol? this is when i wish 1. alex was up at 1am 2. she actually had to desire to talk to me and/or 3. i was actually tired at 1am! oh boy i've been watching too much gilmore girls...on disk 4 now! :D or am i already on disk 5? oh darn lol i cant even remember anymore...but pretty sure its disk 4. mk well...since there is no one to talk to..even howard isnt on facebook :/ he was my 3am buddy last night...which..well..yeah nevermind. back to finishing this episode then MAKING myself go to bed since i have to get up at 8am tomorrow...ewww...funerals = no buenoo :[ and i cant decide which shoes to wear...low heals or high heals? or maybe flats? i'll be in grass which makes me want to say low heals or flats...but were suppose to look nice which makes me want to wear low or high heals, but flats are nice too...but i alwayss wear flats. and my high heals totally complete the outfit :] but what if no one else is wearing highheals..then i just look like an almost 18 year old who didnt get a shoe memo...askhdaksdj WTH. my brain is so sleep food friend blown it...ha, blows my mind. GOODNIGHT (lets hope!)
OH! and i almost forgot...i totally had an AH HA moment about an hour ago...it totally hit..dont know how and why...and deff. dont know how i never saw it before...and it deff. needs to be explained because when first said it may be rather insulting but it totally..well kindof..better then idk...explains why i've been so all over the place with alex. she may not get it...but i totally get it. esp. after reading all those intj things..i've been noticing this on and off but now it all is starting to make sense...that and the fact that i've yet to let her in on my super random and somewhat unexplainable distain for this other friend(using names...not a good idea right now lol)..which actually really has nothing to do with our fighting..but no one knows about it and its driving me CRAZY not being able to vent about it. anyway, now i'll say goodnight!

3am rambling...this will either be insitefull or get me in a deeper hole

2009-12-27T09:29:19Z

so i just spent the last 40 minutes reading threw my journal, which i only have four more pages left in after tonights entry! i dont know if thats something i should celebrate..considering i usually only wrote in it when i was having some sortof problem or emotional break down lol...there were a few good entrys...my brothers wedding...that one about my new relationship with danny...umm...lol i guess all the good entrys i just documented in my photo albums...which i have more of soo lol good sign :]
but anyway, i started reading through all the ones i wrote in 2009 (since 2008 was danny filled, and 2007 was...a cluster fuck of embarressing freshman year issues and family shit...well no, i guess the family shit is spread threw out hah). anyway, reading threw thoughs entrys at 2am right after i finished crying at the end of a gilmore girl christmas episode and just finishing my latest entry about 2010 being "the year of change" was...not one of my finest ideas. turns out....i had alot of repetivtive issues this year...and one too many emotional break downs that i had totally blocked out. ANYWAY, i needed to vent about everything that i have suddenly been reminded about (and things i've been trying to forget about, but forgeting is obviously not the answer..considering its led me to this fabulous place at 3am). soo instead of waking up alex (which i prob. wouldnt have, her phone is hiding somewhere like a smart person so she can sleep) and telling her how i think we've had one too many fights this year (which doesnt really need to be said in the first place...but i'm one for stating the obvious) and that i've obtained one too many grudes and jealousy issues on one too many people this year, i've come to my handy livejournal to do all the talking. and, for the first time in a LONG time, i'm going to leave this open so it can be read...namly this being an indirect..thing to alex...because obviously we are not going to talk out all our issues like i had oringinaly suggested (and to be honest, in the past few days have forgotten about), so if we can talk it out, i'm writing it out here. though she may not read it...its here. and it will be here until i become assamed at what i've written and put it on private and go back to surpressing my emotions until i can muster up the courage to suggest we have a sleep over so you can actually tell me why you think we've been fighting instead of me throwing my emotional insecurities at you threw vauge texts, random spurts of conversations and much too detailed livejournal entries.
ANYWAY, to get to the point, i dont understand. i really honestly have no idea why i pick fights with you so much. i was reading threw all my entries and i was...baffeled by the amounts of times i repeated the same problem with you over, and over. now...some of them reminded me how much i surpressed certain occassions, such as the thing in feb., but yet still referred to them numorous times in explaining why i felt a certain way or was upset. i indirectly told you that i honest to god felt like you were done with me, that i was being replaced, and it was the only time i've had a legit reason to feel that way about you. all the other times were totally bullshit and covering up for some other stupid reason i was upset (or confused...if we look at it in terms of...the end of may). and its really sad...how "jealous" i get of the twins. like..i feel like a total bitch and i feel like its because i still hold a grudge on them for what happened like..10 months ago.
ok so..my head hurts and...i thought i wanted to talk about this..but in reality i'm too all over the place right now to actually get out what i really want to say...and i'm starting to say weird shit to howard about sex and yeah...soo...point is...still think we should talk about all of this...and actually talk...not just me venting for 2 hours (which i will prob. do anyway...super sorry about then :/ ) but you telling me...well maybe you have nothing to tell and i'm the only fucked up emotional one here hah..but either way...telling me atleast that would be good...anything? yeah. so. ok. great. GOODNIGHT.
p.s. not gonna read threw this til tomorrow...so if i seem pissy or angry at all...i'm really not...just trying to make a little effort to..fix this...thing...or whatever

college essay..lets hope this is it!

2009-11-14T21:52:23Z

Through life’s trials and triumphs, many people have vastly affected my life. Marie Antoinette has had an encouraging influence on me since my interest in her captivating life story. Although she is from a completely different time, much of her self-confident composure through her many life experiences and journeys has certainly affected and intrigued me.

Over the past year I have become fascinated with Marie Antoinette, the last queen of France. This fascination, bordering on obsession, has allowed me to gain a positive perspective and an abundant amount of knowledge on one of the most misunderstood queens in the world’s history. Reading about her life and how she came to France at such a young age, believing she would live out a fairy tale existence, only to be thrown into a world she was not accustomed to, captivated my curious mind. She was a young, naïve girl; life’s finest things were thrown at her all at once, and then taken away just as quickly. By reading how she went from one extreme lifestyle to the other, I have gained an understanding of her troublesome and heartbreaking experiences and journeys. Yet, to my greatest surprise, she was not as immature and unfit to be queen as the public had presented her. Instead, behind her naïve face was a strong-willed woman simply trying to make the best of her new life. Learning of her journeys from dauphine to queen of France through her experiences in the courts of Versailles, to total ruin and death through her time spent in the Temple(in which she was imprisoned in before her death) have influenced me to optimistically carry myself. Not only to do that, but to value the little things in life most tend to overlook – such as family, friends and respect, because they can easily be gone in an instant. Just as much of France and the rest of the world came to despise her, I have come to admire her. She had almost everything taken from her -- her pride, her family, and in the end, her own life. Despite these setbacks, she never let them bring down her hope. She was courageous and fought against the judgments and assumptions made about her until her bitter end, which is not readily recognized by all. This is the very thing that has inspired me to keep going for what I want, no matter what people think or tell me, be it the goals I have for my future career or fighting for something I believe in.

Marie Antoinette and I do share one common characteristic: we are both the youngest in our families. Being the youngest has its pluses and minuses; in her case, becoming queen in an elegant, fairy tale setting before she was twenty, yet being seen as unfit and immature; in my case, coming out the most level-headed yet still being compared to the mistakes made by my eldest siblings. Though these are vastly different situations, the cores have the same context. Because of this similarity, I looked more closely at her strong-natured composure and how she handled her experiences of becoming the most hated queen of France while losing almost everything she had, and let myself gain something from them. She was ridiculed by her people, her friends, and even her family towards the end. Yet, through it all she kept her chin-up and hopes high, letting nothing and no one bring down her dignity. Taking all of this in, I began to realize that, at the end of the day, I am my own worst enemy while also being my best hero. No one can bring me down but myself, and no one can believe in me or stand up for me better than myself. She showed me that even in the toughest of situations, even when I seem to have let everyone else down, never to let myself down.

Marie Antoinette has impacted how I view myself, accomplish my goals, and get through life’s enjoyable and imperfect situations. She has shown me the importance of holding my head high and staying hopeful, even through tough times, to fight for what I want, and strive for my highest goal, up until I take my last breath. No one could have made this clearer to me than Marie Antoinette.

just another week..

2009-11-10T03:56:25Z

i guess good things can come from unwanted conversations.
i'm really glad i didnt send in my essay to davidson yet. tcu i guess its ok, not perfect nor amazing, but ok.
but davidson it has to be as close to perfection as possible, by my standards, since this will be my toughest school to get into.
bleh...i think thats what i'll do this weekend, that and shop for patricks birthday gift and figure out how i'm going to make his cake next week since i wont have a kitchen...i can decorate it upstairs no problem friday night, but i'll need a kitchen first lol
bleh...novemeber=stressfull, but i'm enjoying this month so much more then october so far :] minus the minor...yeah..i'll just stop while i'm ahead

did i speak too soon? noo

dont you get it?? i miss our friendship, not "being" with you

really? really. you dont understand? really?
how do you NOT understand...

new month!

2009-11-01T23:23:34Z

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESMOTHERFUCKERYES!!!!!!!
i've never been so excited to endure this time of the month :]

...gee...i wonder why...
so many "opinions" or w.e right now i cant seem to get them all out in clear sentences without, i'm sure, "offending" someone.
it all makes sense now. it very sadly all makes sense...there the same thing. the same people will be there over all...so why would one be looked at as a horrid thing to endure and the other one looked at as an exciting occurance? it has nothing to do with the occurance itself, but what you'll be surrounded with. it all makes sense.
i feel guilty..but at the same time..no..i just feel guilty. and alittle hurt...but thats my own doing.
i busted my ass to make sure it would all work out, and at the end of the day, it apparently wasnt really worth it...my excitement level has greatly decreased..but again, its my own doing.
i'm convinced this was karma. my own actions have brought this upon me.
but hey, what can i do.
nothing.

really?!?!?! REALLY. this is. RIDICULOUS. i feel like no matter how much i tell you, how much i e-mail, or how much i give to you you still have NO IDEA, NONE, whats going on. its like you hit "refresh" every monday morning and friday night...
i'm soo going to end up at texas state if you keep this up...ha...

soo...apparently novembers going to suck just as much as october...fantabulous.

NO nononononono no no NO.
i cannot. i cannot do it. anymore.
no. i cannot make that promise.

hellomottoxx @ 2009-10-23T18:18:00

2009-10-23T23:19:11Z

we're gonna try alittle experiment. no reason. just to see on a normal basis what would happen.
unless i get too bored..then i'll break it. but then again..wouldnt i get the results that way too?

soo..that failed.
i got shoes though! :] still have to make sure they match my dress...and they arent the 4.25 inch ones i fell inlove with online...but i still like them. :]

writing mini letters in livejournal really know how to open the flood gates.

so i right before i went to bed tonight, i remembered i was going to look up what dreaming about snakes meant, since i drempt about them last night (Friday).
"slither away before self destruction"
fml fml fml FML

my dream last night felt very...real.
and if anything, i believe its telling me we need to talk..

i would like to think that i'm trying here...but maybe not? blehh and stupid college recomendation letters! tech. i did send it to you with over 2 weeks before the deadline...i just wasnt aware it was going to take you a week to even notice it. 6 days!!!! :[

...mhmm....
*crosses fingers for it to come this weekend*
*sigh* and you wonder why i dont say anything...
p.s. one recomendation down, one to go! & SAT scores come in tomorrow!!
fmlfmlfml this cannot be happening...
i better just be sick...or about to have my time of the month...because this just cannot be happening...
you did this to me. i said no. i didnt even do anything for this to be a 100% possibility! you half listened to me...i dont want to come within 10 feet of you. if i dont get it this weekend....fmlfmlfml

we're not going anymore..which i guess doesnt make much of a difference...but it just goes to show...well just goes to prove my rather vauge point.

i'm having a minor mental break down. my dean hasnt done ANYTHING about my recomendation letter. i have to send it my app tomorrow. ITS THE ONLY THING THAT ISNT DONE FOR MY TCU APP....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU STUPID...no no...nice words alex..nice words. but if i. dont make. my deadline. because you couldnt get your shit together. so help me...well actually, so help you, because you'll have my mother on your ass. even though i will tell her no, because i know it will only make your "view" of me or w.e worse, she wont listen, and she will be ON YOUR ASS. i've worked my ass off all week, all month, to make sure that i would be able to pull my shit together by the weekend. and i have. i over night shipping my art supp., i finish comm. app. COMPLETLY, i got my teacher recomendation done, i re-took my SAT for the 3rd time, got my scores, and am sending them. i got my transcript send, and i even payed for my app already. i'm completely glued to my e-mail and comm. app. WAITING for your recomendation, and have i gotten it? why, OFCOURSE NOT! i only sent it to you 2 weeks ago...over 2 weeks ago, actually, and i only e-mailed you a week ago...and came in and talked to you in person this week...and i even re-sent my comm. app. recomendation...and what have i gotten from you? hm? NOTHING. are you KIDDING me?!?!?!?!???? afgasghfsagafsafshgafshgsahgfahsgfha i'm about to break down and cry. like seriously, break down and CRY. what the FUCK do i do? like what the FUCK do i do?? *calm down*
and then not to mention my newly found complete intimidation about my upcoming major. i have a b in that glass, i'm convinced 3/4 of the time my teacher doesnt like me..even though i'm quiet when i'm suppose to be, take notes religiously, do all my outlines or w.e, do all my homework, never turn anything in late, when i failed one test i came in for tutorials and retook it, i study and actually READ the book. and i still only have a b. and you call on my like you think i'm not paying attention. you intimate me...yet you dont. i feel like a failure, that this is what i want to do with my life and i cant even get it together enough to totally understand and remember everything. i have yet to get an a on a test, minues the essay part. straight b's and one f. like, really? really? i still know in my heart this is what i want to do, i grasp the concept of psych, and believe it or not, it does interest me. yet i feel like everyone around me thinks thats a total joke. you with your 99...makes me intimidated, and i'm only saying that because i doubt you'll read this. one day i'll crack and tell you how this class is truely fucking with my mind. everytime i do poorly on something, i feel like i've failed as a person. i sti here..and i talk about how pauline doing poorly in bio is a sign shes not majoring in the right thing..and yet...i'm sitting here with my not so amazing ap psych grades and its what i want to major in? i feel like i have more of a point to prove now then just to do what i want. i'm so irriated i left my binder at school not because i have the dying urge to do the progress test but because i feel like i've lost valued studying time, valued time to get ahead and try to ace this test, to prove that yes, this is really what i want to do. i'm so confused and i dont know what to do. but i dont have TIME to worry about that, because i have to get INTO college before i can worry about my major.
i say now that i'll end up being a 2nd grade teacher, which i wouldnt mind, because i feel like one day i'll just give up. i hate that everything i try so hard to be good at or to get, i always end up just being average. like tennis, or art. yeah...i didnt totally suck (well..at the begining) but i enjoyed it and kept at it, and got better over time. but someone was always better than me. i finally gave up on tennis, even though i secretly miss it and wish i could have been as good as some of the other people on the team, but oh well. i tried right? and art...it frustrates me. because i know my strengths in that class, but sam...oh god she makes that class so unenjoyable. and alex..i like alex lol but sometimes it makes me frustrated that i was the one who made her take the class last year and here she is whipping out these boxes that just...scream here. and i'm sitting over there, bonding with olivia and trying so hard to prove that i deserve to be in this class. but i still feel like i'm not good enough. i would hate to see that happen with psych.

i cant believe that was our last halloween :/
i was sitting downstairs in my pjs and half my halloween costume and i realized that...i'll never go trick or treating again (well..not until i have my own kiddos...but thats like...a good 15 years from now and well..not the same ahah) or spend halloween flashing people i've known since middle school lol :] . its so weird...it doesnt seem real to me.

because my other babble entry is to far down for me to find..time for a new one!

2009-10-20T23:38:48Z

why couldnt i kick ass like this the past 3 years?
i'm almost done with comm. app.! just gotta sumit my essay and finish the writing question and sig. page and i'm done :]
then i move onto the extra crap lol...
I WANT MY SAT SCORES SOOO BADDDLYYY

i love it when i'm doing something that i get all excited about :]
soo happy i kept this class

4.25in = disaster waiting to happen...but they are so..idk..appealing!

college essay

2009-10-19T23:15:14Z

Through life’s trials and tribulations, many people and events have vastly affected my life and my composure. Marie Antoinette has had an interesting influence on me since my peak interest in her ever controversial life story. Although she is from a completely different time, and a completely different person than I, much of her strong-natured composure through her many life experiences and journeys has vastly taught and touched me.

Through the past year or so, I have gained a fascination with the last Queen of France, so much so I could even say its borderline obsessive. This fascination has led me to gain a wide knowledge and understanding of one of the most misunderstood Queens in the world’s history. Reading about her life and how she came to France at such a young age, presumed to live a fairy tale life, only to be sorely disappointed, has captivated my eager-to-learn mind. She was a young, naïve girl, who had life’s finest things thrown at her all at once, and taken away from her just as quickly. Through reading how she got from one end of the spectrum to the other, I have accumulated a great understanding of her troublesome and heartbreaking experiences and journeys. Yet, to my greatest surprise, she was not like the public had presented her. Behind that naïve face, she was a strong-willed woman, just as her Austrian Empress mother was. Learning of her journeys from Dauphine to Queen of France to total ruin and death and her experiences in the courts of Versailles and the Temple, in which she was imprisoned in before her death, have influenced how I think of myself and go through my day to day life. Though much of France, and the rest of the world, came to despise her, I have come to admire her. She had almost everything taken from her, her pride, her family, and in the end, her life, yet she never let any of that bring neither her hope nor her head down. She was courageous and fought against her discrimination until her bitter end, which most people don’t seem to understand. This is the very thing that has inspired me to keep going for what I want, no matter what people are to tell me.

Marie Antoinette and I may not be anything alike, but through reading her history I have realized that both she and I do share a common quality: we are both the youngest in our families. Being the youngest has its pluses and minuses; in her case, becoming Queen in an elegant, fairy tale setting before she’s twenty, then being beheaded before she was forty; in my case coming out the sanest yet still being compared to the mistakes made by my eldest siblings. Though these are vastly different situations, the cores have the same tone. Taking this vague similarity, I looked more closely at her strong-natured composure, and how she handled her trials and tribulations of becoming the most hated Queen of France and losing almost everything she had, and took something from them. She was ridiculed by her people, her friends, and even her family towards the end, yet through it all she kept her chin-up, and hopes high, letting nothing and no one bring down her dignity. Taking all of this in, I began to realize that, at the end of the day, I am my own worst enemy while also being my best hero. No one can bring me down but myself, and no one can believe in me or stand up for me better than myself. She has shown me that even in the toughest of situations, even when I seem to have let everyone else down, never to let myself down.

Though she has not turned my life from upside down to right side up, Marie Antoinette has impacted how I view myself, accomplish my goals, and get through life’s day to day situations. She has shown me the importance of holding my head high and staying hopeful, even through times of trial and error. Fight for what I want, and strive for the highest goal, up until I take my last breathes. No one could have made that more clear to me than Marie Antoinette.

random?

2009-10-06T03:21:43Z

so...i just figured out that the song 'Digital Get Down' by N'sync is basicly about phone sex....wth...i sang and loved this song as a small, innocent child!! thats so...yeah...

i keep saying to myself, "oh i cant wait until the weekend!" ...and then i remember i have SAT on saturday...what a bubble popper

its 10:25pm at night, and i have a random craving for cheetos...pmsing was lastt weekk! come on bodyy get it togetherr

and another one slips threw the cracks.
eh, its to be expected

you know, you would think, you would really think that if you send someone something they asked for, something that is going out of your way to send, they would atleast e-mail you back with a thanks, or even RESPOND to your message, esp. considering your history with this said person.
just kindof goes to show my point i've been trying to make to this said person is very very right on point.
just saying..

i wanna tell you..but what if you get the wrong idea and hate me? i cant handle that

when will i ever be good enough for you?? i'm sorry after repeating something 10 times you still did the opposite, and question me over and over. do you not HEAR me? honestly? i'm sorry. i'm sorry i've failed you as a daughter. i'm sorry i make you think that you have to have permission to live. i'm sorry that i frustrated you and make you want to "yell" at me, and all you do is "listen to what me and dad want". i'm so fucking sorry. maybe i should just not talk yeah? i told you not to pull it down. i told you over. and over. and OVER. and yet, what do you do? pull it down. i told you i already went threw it, and nothing matched. over. and over. yet what did you do? keep asking me. and yes, i'm sorry after telling you all of those things over and over i yelled at you. but seriously? everytime. every TIME you put this on me, like your being unhappy at times is my fault. if its all my fault, then why the hell did you even have me? because sometimes..that just isnt too clear to me. and its this that makes me nervous to go to france. i can just see the whole trip exploding in my face because your unhappy or something doesnt work out for you. i dont think you realize how much i have to tip toe around you feelings, because i'm too afraid to find out what will happen if i dont. if i didnt "care" about you, like you seem to think, do you really think i would make even the slightest effort to make sur eyour happy? no. ofcourse not. and why that is i still dont know.

i want cake and ice cream and a hug....will i get it? ofcourse not.

sometimes this whole thing just really frustrates me.

Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
I haven't done this in a while
So I don't know what to say but
'Lord I feel so small sometimes in this big ol' place
Yeah, I know there are more important things,
But don't forget to remember me
But don't forget to remember me'

i'm so done its unreal.

Just one of those weeks...

2009-10-01T01:09:17Z

soo...tomorrows october 1st. and i still havent applyed to one college. i'm having one of those weeks where i feel completly unorganized, everything little thing bugs me, and i never feel...clean (as odd as that sounds). i have a headache because i'm so frustrated that i cant seem to satisfy hfjasfhjkasfhjsf I CANT EVEN THINK HOW TO SPELL THAT WORD.
i have being a girl. i know thats why i feel like this. those god forsaken time of the months. only this time its like an extreme case. i feel gross. i feel unorganized. and i have no motivation to do anything. and every little thing irritates me. my mom wont stop talking and i just keep saying yeah ok yeah ok and she just keeps GOING.
i want to go take a long hot shower. i want to organize my shit for college and have game plan, and i dont even know what to type anymore and now this is giving me a headache and SHE KEEPS TALKING OMGGGG SHUT UP!

ok..after a nice long shower, picking up my room and doing my nails i feel so much better...or alteast cleaner...wow i sound like such a girl there haha. anyway...still freaking out about college...but i just have to sit down and be anti social friday night and get my essay finished (or touched up) and start my comm. app. (i'll worry about apply texas later lol...plus i kinda started it today...kinda). bleh...i'm kinda looking forward to the weekend. i'm getting my senior girls dress alterted saturday morning! :] and then...yeah lol. i'm supose to go shopping..but..we'll see if that actually happens lol..
and then paulines birthday sunday...i guess i'll back her cupcakes and go to target and get her that card...maybe if i actually go shopping saturday i can go to target while i'm there and find like a small gift or w.e for her...its not that i dont want to get her a gift its just that i have no money...i love getting people gifts...not pauline as much as other people(since she doesnt always..appricaite them..) but still..everyone should feel special on there birthday. idk...i'm not gonna stress about it. i think if i atleast make her cupcakes and make them all cute and get her that card and bring it to her sunday ishould be bueno..but i'll prob. do atleast one little thing...as long as i dont spend alot of money..i really seriously honestly cant...
i have to buy my homecoming ticket..dress..senior girls shoes and jewlery..pay for the senior girls bus..get my stuff for halloween..stuff for patricks halloween party (he WILL have one :D )...and various other things lol likeee clothes for fall!!!!!! yayyy!! anyways...i dont know what else to write so..oh..wait...no...nvm..cant write that..so yeah lol i'm done for now

so update on my college applying status...i actually worked on my applications and essay tonight lmao. go mee!! i also discovered that i will prob. only have to write one essay...which i have already written...so that makes me smile times a billion. however...i'm still stuggling with how to actually make a resume...and i'm still attempting to find the dates and hours or what i did last year for church and the previous years for nature camp...and ha i got my deadlines tonight too..tcu app..due november 1st...it is now about to be october 3rd...fuck my life lmao...this means that i have to have my letters of recomendations out to my teachers by...well..by homecoming week at the very very latest...luckly davidsons isnt due until jan. 2nd, however i'ma try to get it in between thanksgiving and christmas break...i think once i completly finish the comm. app. and my resume, it should be smooth sailing for the rest of my colleges...oh and not to mention the SAT next saturday...hopefully we get the scores back intime..but i suppose i send those seperatly anyway yeah? i'm still like...super confused about how exactly this is all suppose to work out...like getting my offical transcripts and such...so i should prob. figure that out in the next oh week or so..its just the big question is, who do i ask for that? my dean? i guess...idk...atleast i started tonight right? i got the ball rolling...now just gotta...keep it rolling...and study for the SAT...lol...oh how much i cant wait for october to be overrr

i'm confused without actually being...confused. is that even possible??
anyway, one step closer to being done with college apps! :]

college essays

2009-09-03T01:25:16Z

I HATE COLLEGE ESSAYS. IT IS SUPER OFFICAL.
i'm sitting here trying to write my rough draft...and i have no idea, NO IDEA, how to start it.
in my head, i know exactly (or almost exactly) what i want my essay to say (thanks to the outline from last week and previous slight brainstorming over it at the end of the summer)
but i have no idea how to protray that onto paper. NONE.
for the past hour i've been trying to write it..and as far as i've gotten is opened a document in word, saved it as my rough draft, headed it, and titled it, and read over my summer and finishing "conclusion" statement a billion and one times...and pulled out my little note book of random notes over it all...oh, and i've dootled lol...and gotten a dr.pepper, to possibly help me focus.
and still, not one line of my essay has been spat out yet.
fhafhsjhfusbfsabfjasghfjasfjahsfh WHYYYYYYYYYY
i know i prob. need to ask someone for help...but...well...i suppose for right now i should handle one issue at a time.
today was suppose to be all low key after third period..i hardly had any hw...just this stupid essay and psych, which isnt even due until friday, and my physics which i did at the end of 5th anyway. yet here i am...stressing and confused and slightly worried.
thank god for the 3 day weekend...well...i suppose that depends how you look at it.
ok ok...enough procrastinating...time to go start my essay! (i'm sure i'll be back in like..twenty minutes to report my progress lol...or lack there of..)

WHAT I HAVE GOTTEN DONE SO FAR :

Rough Draft

Through life’s trials and tribulations, many people and events have vastly affected my life and my composure. One, however, stands out from all the rest. Marie Antoinette, oddly enough, has had an interesting influence on me since my peek interest in her. Although she is from a completely different time and, from many points of view, a completely different person then I, much of her composure through her many life experiences and journeys has vastly taught and touched me on many different levels.

Through the past year or so, I have gained an expansive fascination with the last Queen of France, so much so you could even say its boarder line obsessive. This fascination, however, has led me to gain a wide knowledge and understanding of one of the most misunderstood Queens in our history. This knowledge has affected me in ways I never thought imaginable, however. Reading of her life and how she came to France at such a young age, presumed to live out this fairy tale life, only to be sorely disappointed captivated my eager-to-learn mind. She was such a young, naïve girl, who had life’s finest things thrown at her all at once, and taken away from her just as quickly. Through reading how she got from one end of the spectrum to the other, I have accumulated a great understanding of her troublesome and heartbreaking experiences and journeys. Yet, to my greatest surprise, she was nothing as the public had presented her to be. Behind that naïve face, she was a strong-willed woman, just as her Austrian Empress mother was. These experiences and journeys I have learned of have greatly influenced how I think of myself and go through my day to day life. Though much of France, and the rest of the world for that matter, came to despise her, I have come to admire her. She had almost everything taken from her, her pride, her family, and in the end, her life, yet she never let any of that bring neither her hope nor her head down. She was courageous and fought against her discrimination until her bitter end, which most people don’t seem to catch onto. But, this is the very thing that has inspired me to keep going for what I want, no matter what people are to tell me.

THE FINISHED PRODUCT (finally!) :

Rough Draft

Marie Antoinette and I, as I said before, may not be anything alike, but through reading her history, I have realized that both she and I do share a common quality: we are both the youngest in our families. Now, being the youngest has its pluses and minuses, such as, in her case, becoming Queen in an elegant, fairy tale setting before your twenty, then being beheaded before your forty. Or in my case, coming out the sanest yet still being compared to the mistakes made by my eldest siblings. Though these are vastly different situations, the cores have the same tone. Taking this vague similarity, I looked more closely at her composure, and how she handled her trials and tribulations, and took something from them. She was plummeted down upon by her people, her friends, and even her family towards the end, yet through it all she kept her chin-up, and hopes high, letting nothing and no one bring down her rightful dignity. Taking all of this in, I began to realize that, at the end of the day, you are your own worst enemy while also being your best hero. No one can bring you down but yourself, and no one can believe in you nor stand up for you better than yourself. She has shown me that even in the toughest of situations, even when you seem to have let everyone else down, never let yourself down.

Though she has not turned my life from upside down to right side up, Marie Antoinette has impacted how I view myself, accomplish my goals, and get through life’s day to day situations. She has shown me the importance of holding your head high and staying hopeful, even through the times trail and error. Fight for what you want, and strive for the highest goal, up until you take your last breathes. No one could have made that more clear to me than Marie Antoinette.

hellomottoxx @ 2009-07-08T23:58:00

2009-07-09T04:59:46Z

it almost rained again today! :D
i dont remember what i had intended to write...oh well
i dont feel like babbling soo..i'll just come back later

summer.....

2009-06-09T00:23:43Z

so i'm so. freaken. bored. its so sad that it hasnt even been summer for 2 weeks and i'm already at this "what the fuck do i do with myself?!?!!!" point. i seriously have nothing to do. nothing. i mean...i have my little "summer project" but i cant really start working on it until i order the rest and clean up my desk in the...most disorderly room of my house. and as much as i love to clean...that room is too scary to even begin with unless i'm in the right mood. i also really need to wash my car...but its much to late to do that right now...i'll get up early and do that tomorrow. i also desperatly need to go shopping, but before i go i need to go threw my closet...i only wear about 50% of it sooo...i'm hoping if i get rid of everything i dont wear or dont fit into anymore i can get a bunch of new clothes :] i havent done one of those shopping trips in foreverr. but these are all things that i cant really do right now...which brings me back to the reason i'm SO FREAKEN BORED! ajhdgajgfashgfhgfasgfsjgfjsahshs jsad
i dont even have anything interesting to write about...my dreams are either a. weird, b. not "share-able", or c. boring as fuck. and i'm not having an "emotional crisis" anymore, so i dont really have anything to vent about (minus the boredom thing above haha). everyone knows all my shit (sadly...) so i dont have any secret issues anymore (well..not really). so its like...yeah lol....
man this sucks. i wish i had a more exciting life. look what i'm doing with my time! writing everything going threw my head on my online journal...at 7:20 at night...during the summer...whats the point? lol no one reads this anyway (i suppose that can be a blessing in disguise...did i spell that right??) so...yeah... i was going to type something...but i forgot. i really need something fun and exciting to happen. something that will atleast entertain my thoughts alittle. so i wouldnt be sitting here..bored...thinking about how bored i am...typing about how bored i am...
i really want chocolate. like a yummy fudgey brownie with icecream and hot fudge and whipcream. mmmm that sounds so good. too bad a. i only have like 1/3 of that in my house and b. i have no one to go on a spuratic desert trip with me. its just me and my cat....ok now i really hope no one is reading this haha i sound like some desperate boring middle aged teenager (if..that even makes any sense haha).
sfjasjfagjhgfa bleh well i'm bored with this haha time to..yeah..idk

...and this is what i ended up doing because i was soo bored lol

finally figured it out.

2009-05-31T04:13:38Z

I've decided that i cant sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore. so inorder to totally move forward, i have to get off my chest everything little thing thats made me feel this way. what i really would like to do is tell you everything, so you understand why i'm being like this, and hopefully wont...try and push me away like i've been subconsiously doing to you these past few weeks. basicly this all started about alittle over a month ago, when i finally figured out i was 95% over danny. i had finally told him i didnt owe him anything and that i didnt want to hook up with or anything anymore, i felt i was finally done with him. it was like this huge weight of my shoulders, i quite liked it. but then, i found myself starting to like this guy (you know who i'm talking about, since i kindof told you yesterday), i saw him all the time, and idk, something about him just started making me smile all the time. i had thought i had liked him awhile back, however because i was still stuck in this danny mess, i found it too weird to like him, and i just completly pushed away that thought. but anyway, one of my friends in our 2nd period always told me she thought he liked me, just because "guys always tend to touch and flirt with the girls they like, just he does with you". i'm almost refused to believe it, because i didnt want to get my hopes up you know? well anyway, one day i asked him jokingly why he always this ponytail on his arm and he was like "oh its my girlfriends, i feel like if i dont wear it she'll crack the whip on me haha" and i was just uh huh lol...and really i was thinking WHATTHEFUCK. should have seen it coming though, i had a feeling he had a girlfriend. well anyway, i was like well ok, this is ok, i havent told anyone i like him so i can just let this one go quietly, except..he didnt make it that easy. he has this thing where he likes to write me little notes and smilies on my paper all the time, and i thought that once he had told me he had a girlfriend he would you know, stop. but no, he didnt, and then he always would do this thing where he would just randomly lean over and hug me, or whenever i would wear skirts or shorts he would draw smilie faces on my thigh with his fingers and on my arms, or sometimes he would just randomly start rubbing his fingers up and down my arms...yeah lol didnt make it easy at all. these two guys we sat in front of in 4th would always make comments about it too, and he would do is laugh and smile and i just like haha..unaware how to react you know? well anyway, i kindof slowly just accepted it and just tucked it away as an infatuation, however alittle part of me still feels like i kindof like him...but we dont need to go into that. anyway, at around the same time, i had this..dream one night. it wasnt like..super weird or creepy or anything (to be honest i dont really remember what happened) but i just remember waking up the next morning thinking that i might possibly kindof maybe....like you. and it freaked. the fuck. out of. me. because...wth, your my best friend, i see you as my sister, your a girl lol...i'm not ever ever EVER suppose to even think about liking you, of all people. so..i didnt know what to do. i tried to ignore it, and that worked for about a week, but then idk the thought came back... so i got freaked out again. i didnt really know what to do, all i knew is i had to make sure you never ever found out, because then...no, i just didnt even want to think about how weird that would be. anyway, i guess i subconsiously pulled slowly away from you, even though that was the exact thing i was trying to prevent by not telling you, and then after that started happening, everything just kindof all started happening at once. because i thought that i might kindof like you i started worrying that you would figure it out. funny thing is, being with you when it was just you or just you and pauline or with like a huge group of people i didnt worry about it anymore, i didnt really think about it and it didnt affect anything. but..whenever i was with you and patrick or you and twins, ect. ect. ...thats when it affected how i acted around you. i found it was just easier to pretend to sleep because i was "tired" that i just kindof kept to myself, because everything in theatre is so..."touchy feely" and as comfortable as i am with you, i couldnt find myself to just be whatever and be like they are with you, because i was so freaked out, and then i thought that you would figure it out or something like that. however, because i felt like that, i would get mad at myself because i hated just..keeping to myself like that, because i didnt want you to think that i didnt want to be around you or anything, and so yesterday when i said i thought you were "replacing me" i didnt mean it how i meant it back in februrary, but i meant i felt like because it seemed like i didnt care as much anymore, you would start doing the same to me, and just let..theater replace me. which brings me to what i already told you last weekend, about how it made me feel like i didnt belong sometimes when all you guys would do is talk about theater, and then be like "parrish, why arent you talking??" its like...what the hell was i suppose to say?? and then when ever you and patrick and me are hanging out and you guys are..yeah, it would sometimes make me feel like..so..why am i here again? and i would feel sooo bad for feeling like this, because its not your fault.
and then last weekend, i just finally lost it. i was so tired of pushing you away, and so tired of putting up with everything else, that i just snapped. i felt alittle like you almost didnt notice or care i was pushing you away, and it kindof hurt me..even though i know thats not true, and to feel like this is terribly stupid. but anyway, i just go really angry and upset that day...and it was like i realized that pushing you away wasnt the answer, because in the end i would end up screwing over myself. so all i wanted to do was not be alone that day, all i wanted was for you to just tell me that i was crazy and that it was all in my head, and that everything was going to be ok. all i really needed was a hug. but instead..you went and hung out with patrick. i was so angry, when in reality i had no reason to be, because i didnt tell you why i wanted to hang out, and you had told me you were going to be busy, so it was totally understandable that when i yelled at you that night that you were like whatthefuck parrish?!?! so then i felt like crap, because i realized i had just made something a bigger deal out of something that wasnt that big of a deal to begin with.
yesterday, before i met up with you, i realized that the only way to make you somewhat understand why i had been the way i've been the past few weeks is to just...tell you the real reason. i spend a half an hour going over it in my head, so i could just flat out tell you and get it over with. i didnt want to, but i knew i had to, and in all honestly i didnt want to keep anything from you anymore. i thought i would feel so much better after i told you. however, i almost felt...worse. it took me a good 10 minutes to finally just blurt it out, and after i was like whatthefuck did i just do... i'm still really confused how i feel about this, what if tomorrow i wake up and realize that this was just some few week phase and i was just feeling that way because i wanted some sortof attention or whatever? but i couldnt exactly go back..so i just kindof tried to make the best of the situation. but now...i have no idea how to act around you, now that you know. at this point i just want to go back to the way everything was, when i was just happy and everything was totaly normal with you. now i'm so scared to get within a few feet of you, because i'm afraid that i freaked you out, even though you said it was ok. i mean...your my best friend, whenever i'm upset i want you to be the one who comforts me, and that i talk to and tell everything too, or to come sleepover when i'm so upset i cant sleep by myself. but now i feel like i just fucked all that up, because what if you dont want to sleepover at my house anymore? what if you'll freak any time i try and hug you (more than usual lol jk jk)? what am i suppose to do?!? i just dont know anymore. i'm so worried that now you'll treat me like max, and avoid me at any cost because..yeah. but i cant tell you that, i cant just randomly bring this up. i just...dont know what to do. i just want this to all go away, and have an amazing summer without worrying about this shit anymore. i dont want you to think any differently of me. and i dont want you to read this and think i'm way to screwed up lol because i just realized i've been typing for about half and hour and i feel like i have way to many emotions and worrys for my own good. so anyway, if you read this, and make it down this far haha, i'm just really sorry for putting you threw all of this. i'm not going to try and push you away anymore because...to be honest i cant have an amazing summer without my best friend :] and we both need an amazing summer after this hell of a year. anyway...if you are freaked out by what i toldyou yesterday and are just not telling me...dont be. i promise you its not as big of a deal as i'm making it out to be, and it will go away before i know it. so, if i stop pushing you away, just promise me nothing will change mk?? well...my hands hurt so i'm going to stop now lol

Hello :]

2007-06-24T18:35:42Z

Hmm well I'm pretty new to all of this so I'm not all that sure of what to write. My friend Alex finaly got me to get a lj (happy now alex? lol) soo here it is! I guess I'll write more later when I know what the heck I'm doing on this thing.

*If you want to read more of my journal, you'll have to add me to your friends :]*

Made by princess_herm